Living with Your In-laws in an Understanding Way

Automated transcript of the sermon audio, generated with OpenAI Whisper (small.en). It has not been checked against the recording and may contain errors, especially in names and Scripture references.

Father, thank you so much for your grace in our lives. Thank you for the gifts of in-laws. And I pray that you would use your word and my message to encourage us to consider our behavior with our in-laws and how we can make that better or even bring the gospel into that to bring life. So may you bless our time. I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen. So tonight I will be speaking about living with your in-laws in an understanding way, and how to cultivate godly and growing relationships with them. It was not until studying this, for this message that I thought about the impact that our parents can have on our marriages, whether negative or positive.

I was not saved when I got married, and my in-laws did not come to our wedding, so they weren’t really involved in my life until at least a year or two after we got married. So I realized the difficulties that we had working through some of those things, but it just wasn’t on my thinking. So it’s been kind of cool to think about it, and for any of us who are going to be in laws if you have family, sooner or later it’s going to happen. It’s good to think about your own relationships and how you’re interacting with those people that are on either side of your family. But I have come to believe that it’s an important subject for couples considering marriage and for them to think about the families that they are marrying into. When a man pursues a woman for marriage, they do need to consider the whole package of the family they’re going to marry because a couple getting married is bringing two families into that.

When a couple gets married, it’s not a marriage isolated on an island, so it’s not just they can keep away from the family. They don’t live happily ever after without their parents. Marriages includes their future spouse’s family. It is a sinner marrying another sinner and bringing their sinning families into the relationship which ultimately multiplies the probability and complexity of problems. And no matter what kind of good or crazy you marry into, the thing that you must understand that if you’re a Christian, you owe it to your in-laws to consistently behave like a Christian. Your character matters. You have to learn how to handle conflict in a way that brings God glory and your in-laws good.

You must be able to self-regulate and remain calm in relationship struggles and troubles. To cultivate godly and growing relationships with your in-laws is going to take a lot of faith, work, and repentance. We must trust God with our in-laws. This means we are called to obey His word which can equip us for the good work of inlying. Consider 2 Timothy 3, 16 and 17 which says, “…all scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.” In-law relationships are a good work that God calls us to walk in daily.

Before we can live with our in-laws in an understanding way, we must make sure we understand what it means to leave father and mother. Genesis 2.24 tells us, therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. When our children get married, they are called to leave their father and mother. And before I get into what leaving involves, I want to make two quick points about what it does not mean. Firstly, leaving father and mother does not mean that adult children stop honoring their parents. The fifth commandment is always in play.

Deuteronomy 5.16 says, Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God has given you. Also Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because their traditions trumped this commandment. In Mark 7 9 through 13 it says, and Jesus said to them, you have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition. For Moses said, honor your father and your mother and whoever reviles father or mother must surely die, but you say if a man tells his father or his mother whatever you would have gained from me as Corbin that is given to God then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father and or mother thus making void the Word of God by your tradition that you have handed down and many such things things you do. Secondly leaving father and mother does not simply mean moving out of your parents house. There is a way for your child to move to another state and still not have really left their parents as God intended. When a husband or wife

do not leave their parents it will cause problems in their marriage. What leaving does mean is that the conditions of the relationships have changed. There are things that leaving involves putting off and on and it is important that we understand these regardless of how obvious they may be. What leaving Involving involves putting off. Children must put off an inordinate dependency on their parents when they get married. A wife needs to learn to rest in her husband and depend on his leadership and provision for the household. A husband needs to learn to protect, provide, and leave his household as he trusts and obey God and his word.

When they leave their parents, they are establishing a new household. The husband needs to lead and the wife needs to submit to his leadership. And while they can seek counsel and wisdom from their parents, they are to go about it in a way that is more dependent on the husband’s leadership and God and his word. Children must put off a natural tendency to imitate or react to their parents. In other words, leaving their parents means being prepared to examine the things in ways their parents did to see whether they are biblical and to determine whether they pleased God and would be beneficial for their new household.

It goes beyond if they like or don’t like what their parents did. But as a new household, they need to consider the outcome of both their parents’ way of life and imitate their faith and advance in making progress and joy in the faith. Children must put off an inordinate reliance on their parents’ approval. When a husband and wife come together, they must seek the Lord’s approval over their parents. Sometimes the Lord approves what our parents would not agree with or approve. Being more concerned with what our parents think and need than with what our spouse thinks or needs is not leaving your father and mother as God intended.

Children must put off the temptation to place blame on their parents. We have to learn to be content and thankful with the parents that God has given us. Do you believe that your parents are a gift from God? I do, and I know how difficult they were. And I love them. Most of us turn out better than we should, and that is because of God’s grace. While there is more that can be said about leaving and all that it implies, the point I want to make sure that we understand is that when a couple says, I do, the relationship changes. It would benefit both parties, husband and wife, and their parents to understand and work towards building a relationship that honors God and gives the new household freedom to cultivate their marriage and family values according to God’s word and not according to the traditions set by their parents.

What are some practical boots on the ground kind of ways that we can live with our in-laws in an understanding way? First, I want to repeat, if you’re a Christian, you owe it to your in-laws to behave, you owe it to your in-laws behavior that’s consistently Christian in character. You cannot go wrong with that. Things will go way better when you are acting like a Christian than if you are like not.

I know that’s obvious, but I often have heard, I’ve heard the quote, it’s easy to be like Jesus until you have to be like him. So whether it includes loving them, praying for them, forgiving them, or asking them to forgive you for your sins, the idea here is Colossians 3, 12 through 14 which says, put on then as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you so you also must forgive and above all these put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Second one is bring the love. Meditate and cultivate a 1st Corinthians 13 kind of love with your in-laws. You know you can’t go wrong by spending time meditating on it, writing it out and considering that as a really like a foundation for when you are dealing with your your in-laws or extended family. 1 Corinthians 13 4 through 8 says, love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast, it is not

arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never ends. Just imagine the impact this world would have, this would have actually just imagine impact that this would have on your relationship with the end laws if you really put that into practice and that kind of love was pouring out into the relationship. Third is bring laughter and become playful. Don’t take yourself so seriously. And Shawn mentioned this in Benedict, I know the end of the sermon, but consider Psalm 52, 6-7 which says, The righteous shall see in fear and shall laugh at him, saying, See the man who would not make God his refuge, but trusted in the abundance of his riches and sought refuge in his own destruction.

God can use proper laughter to turn hearts towards him and one another. Practice smiling and have a disposition of joy. Often times with my in-laws, some of the ways that we actually were able to get past some difficult times was by me laughing at myself and making a joke about me just because I wanted to try to make things better. And obviously, either I can get offended at them or I can just make a joke about me. Fourth is practice becoming an active listener. Often, we engage our in-laws with pre-loaded presuppositions, emotions, feelings, and perspectives. We would help our relationships with our in-laws by emptying our own thinking and hearing what is being communicated.

in return and also letting them know that you are hearing what they are saying and understanding that. Because oftentimes, when you get into conflict, at least I’ve learned this about me. But sometimes I am thinking of how I’m looking at it or how I would, my perspective, how I’m thinking about it. And that is not necessarily the person in law in front of me’s thinking or perspective. So when I say empty your thinking, I’m not saying let all wisdom go, but just make sure you understand where they’re coming from. Because oftentimes in a complaint or an argument, someone’s just trying to communicate something. And if you can listen and understand what that is, it would actually help the relationship and maybe quit the strife.

Practice Ephesians 4.29, which says, let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as it is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear. How easy it is to use our mouths to tear down and destroy our in-laws. We should not be using our mouths as a weapon. We should be looking for ways to build them up and to speak respectfully about them. When we speak of our parents or in-laws, we must speak in a way that does not bite and devour one another. Sixth would be practice Matthew 18. If you have a problem with someone or something that is done in the family, whether a parent or an in-law, then you should go talk to them privately.

There are sins that love needs to confront, and on that note, learning when to cover and when to confront takes wisdom and practice. But if you believe someone is an ongoing, unrepentant sin or is caught in any transgression, your goal should be to restore that family member in the spirit of gentleness. and six, one. Talking about it with others and doing nothing about it is a sin. As a Christian, we bear responsibility to help our in-laws fight and work through their own sins. Seven, don’t be afraid of setting healthy boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud has said in a book, you get what you create and what you allow. And in some ways that’s brutal because if you’re getting what you don’t like, that’s your fault.

So what do you do, so what, you know, there are times when an in-law might be controlling or get out of their lane and in these moments it would be wise to improper to pray and consider how to address the situation in hopes of strengthening a relationship and setting boundaries to create a better environment for one another to grow in the grace of the Lord. And obviously we We all have different situations with our end laws, but there are times when you do need to set healthy boundaries so that way you can allow it to thrive. Maybe there’s options for cutting them off. I don’t really think that would be an option in my book, but I feel like there are ways to work through difficult situations.

I’ve worked through some of my own. I’ve never had the idea that I just want to cut my parents or my in-laws off and just be done with them because life would be way better without them. Because in my opinion, it wouldn’t. So they are a blessing to me and I see them as a blessing.

Learn to not be easily offended. Number eight, a way to grow here is to choose to love others and see the best in them. As Dave Light, famously says, look for the pony in the poop. consider like the good in them. Don’t focus on the negative or the things that you don’t like because we all have things that we do that probably annoy our in-laws and we may not even know about it. So like learning to understand one another and that we’re really just trying to cultivate some really sweet fellowship and that that’s not gonna be like a Thomas Kincaid painting like meaning there is a mess in the pursuit of getting that.

And if you are always easily offended, you’re never going to have a good time with your family or people in your life. Proverbs 10, 12 says, hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. When you have cultivated genuine love, it protects you from being offended. Another reason to laugh well and to be more playful is that most people I know who do these well are the type of people that you really can’t rattle that well. They are thick and have a lot of nerve. Learn to keep short accounts. People who own their sin and are repenting as needed will be less likely to be offended. Because if you are seeing yourself as a sinner and your problems, it should allow you to have grace to see that it ain’t as bad with other people.

Imagine if everyone was like you. So, nine, husbands and fathers must be proactive in leading and pulling the family into better fellowship with in-laws and extended family. Help your household have a godly perspective on family relationships. Encourage them to practice Christian character.

Again, you get what you create and what you allow. And as the father and the husband, you should be influencing them towards things that are gonna benefit. Show your family what it looks like, yeah, show your family what it looks like to be like Jesus when it is hard and difficult. Watch how you speak about your in-laws and extended family around even your children or other family members. Fathers, the husbands and fathers who grumble and complain will not pull, be able to pull their families into better fellowship. Take responsibilities for the actions and choices of your family. One of the ways that I actually tried to cultivate this better with my in-laws would be, and even my parents, my side was we actually started having like family fellowships once a month where we would invite them over to spend time with them and be intentional with, you know, just loving them and having time together as a whole group.

And then the other thing is like birthday parties. Like, my, our families didn’t really jive with each other. So, at first we kind of separated it, didn’t want it to get messy and all that kind of stuff. But then we’re probably reading a book. I thought, no, we’ll just bring them together and see what happens. So, and it was difficult, but I don’t regret it. I actually am thankful. And it still has to this day has not resolved some of the issues, but I was thankful because it gave people opportunities to live life together even in the midst of having ill feelings towards one another. But yeah, I am always trying to find ways to help cultivate that and I think that’s wise for you men in this room.

Ten, praying I believe might be one of the best ways to cultivate love for end laws. It is hard to hate those whom you are taking to the Lord in prayer. Prayer is a call to action, and the Lord may show that you are the problem. I know in my own relationship, like one of the books I read, which is Free from Bitterness, like showed me that I was better towards family, and I was encouraged by that book to take steps towards not, you know, asking the Lord to help me fight that bitterness so I can show up and be a better in-law. And it did. It was, oh, and actually I bought the book for, for Jolyd because she, she had problems with one of our in-laws and that actually resolved on its own.

She never read it. I don’t know if she, have you read it yet? Okay, nice. A couple of passages of scripture that come to mind in regards to prayer is, first is Philippians, Philippians 4, 4 through 7, which says, rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God. What would your character look like to those watching if in the middle of family conflict you rejoiced, you let your reasonableness be known, and you were confident in the Lord who is at hand, and you took all of your troubles to him while remaining thankful?

Why not be that kind of character in your story? You know, and speaking of confidence, one of my favorite passages is Hebrews 4.16. Let us stand with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time and of need. And in fact, in Men to Men, I still take taken back by the covenant household where Doug Wilson challenges men to go pray without saying anything other than to the Lord. And I find that is, it seems good to me, and I actually been trying to practice that where if I have a concern and it’s not a major thing, I just take it to the Lord and see what the Lord will do.

But I don’t think that you always need to tell every in-law your complaint or your problem and where they need to fix it. Like I think sometimes praying allows the Lord to enter into the conflict in a way that he can work in hearts that you can’t, so. Number 11, learn not to fuss or freak out. There are some things we just need to let go of. Maybe we fuss because we feel like God owes us better. I mean, if God wants to put you into a marriage with soul sucking in-laws, who are we to fuss about that? According to Romans 828, it is all for our good and his glory. And I get how hard some providences are. I totally can relate to that.

But we must believe that when it comes to our in-laws, or whatever the situation may be, that God did not make a mistake. Your in-laws are a gift. Whatever it is, is a gift. And I know that in my own world, there are things that I fight to actually see gifts, but I think that it’s worth fighting for to see these hard things as gifts.

What does it look like to love your in-laws into loveliness? Maybe God is using your marriage for the good of those who may not know him, or need a godly and growing example for their own growth and grace in the Lord. Remember that this story is not about your glory, but God’s glory. And for us as Christians who know the gospel, know how to die to self and how to bring life, like that should be our first and primary goal with our end laws is that they become better because of our interactions and how we are with them.

And in terms of speaking of story, number 12, learn to live a better story. Consider the story that you are living before God in your household when it comes to your in-laws and extended family. How are you showing up? One of the reasons that I love fiction is that it helps me to consider the story that I’m in and you can read it and you’re like, oh, I don’t know if I would respond like that. Okay, that’s exciting. But you can totally put yourself in that but then it makes you really think about your own story that you’re living. And I read a book that I, I don’t have a problem recommending that you guys may not like it, but it’s called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, How I Learned to Live a Better Story.

And two quotes that I really loved from this book. The first one was, if what we choose to do with our lives won’t make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either. And so every day we have choices to make, and every day we can make things better or worse. And this one, the other quote is, his life was like the roots of a tree that went miles into the soil and miles around its trunk and came up in my cousins, in their faces, and their voices, and their character. And it reminds me of Psalm 1, but I mean that’s the kind of character that I want. We’ve got some deep roots and it’s coming out, the fruit’s coming out of all of the people that are coming after me or who are with me.

So the book certainly helped me to think about my character and the story I’m living before, not only my household and in-laws, but y’all and friends and family. What choices can you make that will help you cultivate a meaningful story in life? I can’t stop thinking about that question. And the idea of having a life that impacts my in-laws and extended family is a good work that’s worth getting after not only for me but for everyone.

To wrap up my message, I want to share some of my story with you. You know, well, Joel and I were not, like I already mentioned this, but we were not believers when we met. Her parents were not excited about what they saw in my life and I totally am okay with that. Like they asked me to stop pursuing her and I did not honor that request. And for that reason they did not attend our wedding and for many years, even after we were married, I was not welcomed into their home. And I would say, like, we got killed in getting married and if Cameron was like me, I would have said no. So I know that I was troubled and I was not a worthy man for anybody to give away their daughter to.

God was gracious and I’m thankful for that, but I do think ultimately honoring the Lord is really important. You know, and but even in that moment, which is I find this weird, even though I wasn’t a Christian, I didn’t get bitter and you know, and I could have fought my way or complained about how hard they were or wasn’t fair. But instead I did what I knew I had, what I knew how to do, which is love Jolie and extend invites to them to come in her home. Caitlin was the one who bridged that, which was great. I mean, so God did a great work with Caitlin, Jolie’s mom. She passed away, but when Caitlin was coming around, like, they, you know, Jolie was like, well hey, we’ve got to try to figure out how to get this all together.

And Caitlin changed her heart and for the most part we had a good relationship. She would always challenge me with the gospel about my lifestyle choices and I’d always tell her, I know, it’s totally fine. I’m a Christian and that’s for you, not for me. The Lord ended up changing my heart, which I’m thankful for. I went forward some years and God started doing a work in our hearts and our reconciliation actually started slowly after Caitlin was born and the relationship started to grow. And then after God did call my mother-in-law home, he used some things to show me that I was not a Christian and I had not put my trust and faith in him and that’s when I actually turned my life to the Lord.

Since then, and I was 2006, God has grown me my in-laws in such a way that I could not have ever imagined. This growth has not been all cupcakes and rainbows, but over the years I have had to take some hard stands for my family and our choices and they did not always agree or approve of that. But it was hard work and I learned how to put into practice some of these boots on the ground ideas that that we talked about. So let’s pray and then we can have our discussion. Father, thank you again for your word. And Lord, I know that each of us has our own trouble or difficulties in some ways within laws. And pray that you would bless our time as we have a discussion about how to love our in-laws and even maybe showing up better.

And Lord, you know where each of us are. And I just pray that you would continue to work and bless our time as we have questions and answers. In Jesus’ name, amen. Bazin does not have any questions in this series so far, so here’s our first one. So my parents having in-laws as my grandparents, when your grandparents are not Christians or your in-laws. How do you find the pony in the poop without being deceived by non-Christian lies? So like, you obviously want to love your people that you’ve been given, but that’s going to look a lot different when they’re not Christians, and there’s naturally kind of a like distrust there. So how can you, since there’s no Christian fellowship, what’s an accurate expectation for non-Christian to Christian fellowship?

Yeah, good question. I mean, first thing I would say is you can totally be thankful for them because you are here because of them. And so, and I’m sure that there are some things about them that are good and respectful. Now granted, it’s not salvific, but clearly some of the good traits that your parents have probably came from them. I mean, God’s grace is working even through unbelieving parents. I mean, my parents were not believers, and I feel like I’ve turned out way better than I could have. I could have been a train wreck. But in regards to the relationships between someone that’s a Christian and not a Christian in the family.

I mean, I would just be first and foremost praying for them, but then looking for ways to have conversations, ask questions, do it in a way that’s inviting and not necessarily like a hammer time. And I think that would hopefully draw them. I mean, I know that after I’d gotten saved, my brother-in-law did not get saved. So after my mother-in-law passed away, I got saved and then my brother-in-law last. And there was times that I was a jerk as a Christian and I regret that. But I do feel like we did have some good moments. But I’ve learned through that time how to engage people and talk about the things that the Lord.

But ultimately being excited about who God is and what He’s doing in your life is something that would speak volumes to them. Because I mean, we just had some friends over yesterday and they were asking Julie about her joy. And she’s trying to read her Bible more and all these things which it was a good opportunity to talk about how God just does give you joy. I mean, I don’t know. That’s like extreme bubble joy, but it’s OK. So I don’t know. Does that answer your question? No? Well, I mean, yeah. That’s good. It sounds like, huh? Can I elaborate on anything more? No, that’s OK. You’d probably just turn into a discussion.

Yeah. So thank you. Yeah. I don’t really have a question. I just wanted to see Sean walk all the way over here. So but since he did. So it would seem like I’m going to kind of put you on the spot here for a second if I, and maybe you could share an example that you’d be comfortable sharing. But it seems like a way to honor your in-laws and your parents, even in the midst of disagreement. You said there toward the very end, there are some areas where you have not I’ve seen eye to eye and it’s been hard but it’s been good. It would seem like the idea there is to apply all those principles, those dozen or so that you rattled off, can you share some examples as to what that looks like?

Maybe the best way to do that would be, what would be an example where you didn’t see eye to eye with your in-laws? Or it could be later on even after Sandy passed. So it’s just your father-in-law. Where you had to navigate some disagreement and you totally came out still in fellowship. But without necessarily agreeing. That’s a good question I am thinking. I mean I know with my father and mother, like they, you know, when we had birthday parties we, this is a small thing, but they really did have a problem. They do have a problem with alcohol being available. And so whenever we had, even our, I think it was Addison’s birthday party, and this was quite a few years back, they really had problems with that.

So we just stopped bringing it out. I mean, I felt like love would find the relationship more important than, hey, what does it matter, fighting. But that’s like one example with Jolie’s family. I mean, when we, yeah, one thing that comes to mind would be, like when we left the church that we were all at, because after the Lord had saved, you know, me, we actually started going there because that church ministered to us in ways that was really awesome. And we got involved and loved the people. And things kind of, things went south within the leadership.

And so I actually, after having conversations, was really the outcast. I mean, I told Joel before that, my relationship went bankrupt, and it was even worse than that. Meaning, I had put myself in a pretty bad hole where they did not agree with me leaving. and the choices that I was making. And at that point, then a lot of things would actually be even magnifying glass and making issues of things that may not even have been an issue. But I think the way that we worked through that was just me being consistent in really loving them and wanting to be with them. On one level, it was really the idea of reading, I think, free from bitterness.

Because I think the main issue that I had was with my brother-in-law, because he really felt like I had sinned against him when I had departed and like stranded him and the family. And so that took a lot of work to build. But it was just consistently showing up and at one point just making fun of myself, laughing at myself, being okay, not being easily offended. And the Lord slowly but surely has restored our fellowship better than it was even then. And then some levels deeper. Like some of the relationships in the family are really sweet to us, to Joe and I. And there are some that they’re not, I mean, I love them all, so I’m not complaining, but there are some that just the Lord allowed to take better roots than others.

But I don’t know why, but in terms of like, You know, my, Jolie’s dad, I call him dad. He’s like a dad to me. We’re, we are pretty tight. So he comes over a lot. We have coffee or talk, play games, but trying to think of some other things, but I mean, does that kind of give you? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it seems like if you are applying these principles that you rattled off, it is going to be broadening a platform or someone say making deposits in the account before you have to make any withdrawals. So building that platform for influence so that when those times of disagreement come, you can actually weather those and come out healthier, even better on the other side.

It seems like you’re doing some of that. I think a lot of it too depends on, it really depends on the maturity of the in-laws. an interesting anecdote from our marriage was my wife’s dad is Hispanic and his family in their Mexican culture is very family oriented and without being controlling very well meaning he He candidly suggested that we just live with them when we got married before we can get established. And we said thanks but no thanks right away. And that was actually before really even having any sort of platform with them. So that could have gone really, he could have been really offended by that. but instead was like, okay.

And so it seems like the maturity of the other party also goes a long way in terms of the preservation of those relationships. And that’s not as much anything you can control, but I think your list is good and helpful. And if you adhere to those, it would seem like you’re gonna have that sort of credibility to be able to honor, even in disagreement, without the other party getting wounded. So, yeah. Yeah, well, we recently, not recently, but maybe in the last six months, we had a situation where I had to invite over all my end laws to sit down and talk about the situation that was not godly and growing, and it was actually really good.

I mean, all the little nieces and nephews came, and they were confessing, and it was really, really a good time. And sometimes it’s just more about trying to be OK, be uncomfortable, because none of that is fun. Who likes to sit down with the whole family and have a powwow over things that are sinful? And actually trying to gracefully call people out so that way they can at least work through it. But I do feel like maybe things are better now. I think in maybe years past, if we had disagreements, we just would need to maybe not talk, but maybe give it some time. Yeah, the amount of time. I don’t really know if there probably is an answer to this question.

But like, when there’s a significant blow up, what do you think is the reasonable amount of time to expect it’s gonna take before that gets resolved? Because it seems like even in your story, we’re talking measuring in years. We’re not measuring in hours of afternoon conversation. We’re talking about years of, as Jonathan’s illustration, you know, putting into the account, showing joyfulness as a family, talking when you’re able to talk about it, but it seems like it’s not often, in your case has been more extreme, maybe, than other people, but I’m sure that there are people who don’t like the tension of the family dynamic.

So do you have any thoughts on how long a person should expect or anticipate before some of these things might even start to see better fruit. Yeah, I mean I would say, you know, depending on the family member, I think sometimes things moved a little bit. You know, it didn’t take a long time. I mean with me, I don’t really like to let the… I mean, I learned with Jolie, like this is a good example, but like if you let something just tuck away, like it could go on forever. I mean, it could take forever to figure that thing out. So I actually will maybe give it a day, but I mean, one of the ways I think that I helped cultivate building that account was by connecting, reaching out to them.

I mean, some of you may even know this, but I like, I can reach out, call, text, And so I often would actually reach out to them a lot to try to pour in, you know, to invite them over. I think that’s why we did the Family Fellowship was because I wanted to purposely have them come over. I mean even in the midst of them grumbling about like, like, you guys are way too busy, like we don’t ever get to see you. I’m like, well, here, I’m inviting you. Like, I don’t know when the last time you’ve invited me, which I’m not complaining about you not inviting you. But I can say they would laugh, but I mean, but trying to find a way to, yeah, to just connect with them.

And like if we’re driving by, because they all live in, you know, like, well, not like Steve. It’s like Marysville on the sunny side side. So we’d swing by. If I’m coming home, I would swing by, say hi. You know, so, but those things really helped out. And I think just them watching us, you know, because like we’re, our family, Joel and I are the only household would actually invite church people to our gatherings. So they thought that was weird. They just stayed in and really liked it. We loved it and we had no problem with having people from our church in our home. But that allowed them to see, even some of the family would pursue Joel and I for talking about their own struggles and things that they’re trying to work through.

they would see like you know and I think that we try telling them like hey like your church matters like it makes it does make a difference with your community and how you’re connecting because if you just and I’m not saying this about them but if you are only going to church and then you leave and there’s nothing going on after that well you don’t have a really you have a real hard time cultivating building relationships and support that we could help you through those things. So I mean, I know like one example would be one of the in-laws, they came and had me go talk to their future husband because they were concerned.

And they didn’t have any help. So I went and talked to them. And lo and behold, which I don’t know, I was just being frank with the guy. He ended up getting saved after that because he realized that he wasn’t really a Christian. and he thought he was. But it was just getting uncomfortable, going out, having some coffee, talking about life, and just what I think about marriage. And then they ended up, they were both very humbly, did exactly what I had actually encouraged them to do, but then they did work through it and get married. So it was a praise to the Lord. So. The Lord definitely blesses your ability to handle awkwardness.

He keeps doing that. Good evening. Okay. So you’ve talked about how to deal with the in-laws. Well, I’m an in-law now. And so what advice do you have, because I’ve got two son-in-laws now who have just, I’ve got to defer to their, that’s their leadership in their home now. We might disagree on certain things or we might love it and we don’t want to be overburdened or we want to help. So what advice, sir, because you’re about to be in the same corner, what advice do you have for the in-laws?

Well the way I would handle, if I was an in-law and my son and daughter, because I would say that I would put them on the same footing, like if they get married, like when Cam and Caitlyn get married, like I do feel like I’m gaining the son, you know, and I feel like it’s appropriate to have them on the same footing, not favoritizing one over the other because that’s gonna cause problems. And if you had problems like with your son-in-law, like that could be a problem too. But I mean, I always, I mean this is where my my in-laws would have disagreed. I always felt like it needed to be on the man. If the dude needs help, he needs to be humble enough to ask for it.

If he’s not, then he needs to learn how he’s going to provide for his household. Because I don’t feel like hand-holding is a good option. Like, I mean, if you need something, ask. And I think that I would totally be willing to help out. But I don’t want it to be the way to be placed on the proper shoulders, not on someone actually just coming and swooping them up and taking care of them because they can’t humble themselves to ask for help. Because I don’t know if they need help or not. I don’t know if that answers your question or not. Yeah, I mean, just I think letting them have freedom to cultivate their own traditions and household.

You know, because they got a, I mean, because they’re drawn from your family, his family, like, and how do you work all that out, you know. And I feel like for me, trying not to have any expectations or being grabby, oftentimes, it could be as simple as you extending an invite to them for dinner or whatever and trying to find ways to have them in your life. But if they don’t ever invite you, then I guess it’s hard, but maybe be okay with that. I’m not saying this, but maybe you’re the problem. Like, maybe they don’t want to come hang out with you because you’re a pain in the rear. I don’t want to make sure we’re not done.

I would ask. I’d say, yo, like, what do you think about me? Yeah, I mean, so because I have been living with my in-laws, like, literally living with my in-laws for 20 years. Are we at 20? 21, yeah, so almost half my life. And that is not what I had in my mind when I was a kid, that when I grew up and got married, I would be living in the same house as my in-laws. And I think one of the things that, in fact, beyond walking in the spirit, which is crucial for, which is living like a Christian. I think that the fact that my father-in-law does not expect to be the boss of the household, but in many ways, not because he doesn’t care, but he is intentionally deferring to letting me have the responsibility.

So we’re actually able to partner in a lot of things and when we need to make a household decision, it’s not like all the rest of them just look at me. But in terms of day-to-day things and a lot of the operations, he, I think about it as, well, he raised his household and now he sees it as my responsibility to be taking care of this household. So he is supportive of it and that actually does make me want to ask as opposed to the, I mean I suppose it’s a dance whether you just wait to be asked or you insert yourself. But I have really valued the availability and the presence without the pushiness. The input, willingness to, you know, it’s not like if I would ever ask a question, he’d be like, oh, well, it’s your deal, not mine.

So it’s not like he was trying to distance himself from it. But in a very honorable way, there’s a gravity that came from not being grabby. And it was visible to me paying attention. And I think that that’s how it worked, to actually be living under the same roof. And I am assuming that that has a lot of application for those even who are living in separate places of the availability and the presence. But the conscious support of, sure, this is great when you find that thing. I was thinking even with Bazin’s questions earlier, like when we define fellowship as agreement, we’re in trouble. So either we can find ways to fellowship with people that we don’t agree with or we’re never going to have fellowship.

Either we can find something to honor in what they offer without, again, fully being able to support everything or we’re never going to be able to honor anybody. So being able to, even from the dad to the son-in-law, to honor the great things I see Taylor doing does not require me, and I actually don’t know what I disagree with Taylor about, but I’m not looking for those. I’m looking to support the things like, this is awesome, way to go, I like this. And you’re welcome to have what’s here, but we love what you’re doing. So that kind of support of his responsibility is what I got from my father-in-law. And again, that increased my interest in what he had to say.

It didn’t make me want to just distance myself from him. Yeah, another thing real quick that I was thinking about, especially within laws, is you know, like just like with Jolie, like there are times that I’ve actually had to protect her, which is really awkward. But at the end of the day, she is my wife. And I need to make sure that if family members, even if it’s her sister or brother or whoever, speaking to her in a way that’s not good, that I need to have a conversation. And we’ve had to do that. But it’s totally fine. But I feel like sometimes people get worried about it. but these things only make you stronger.

They really do. Like I don’t know. I mean, because I think that if you’re hoping and believing the best, sometimes we just say something stupid or act in a way that’s not godly. And if you don’t say anything, then it’s just gonna continue to grow and increase.

I really appreciated what you said about just living like a Christian, acting like a Christian. One thing for our family, not my in-laws, but his in-laws, my parents are not believers. And one thing that we noticed pretty quickly is honoring them does not look or feel how they would like to be honored because we are living like Christians. And so I think that is good to keep in mind and staying open-handed about that. They have not liked or wanted to receive the way that we have honored them as we try to honor the Lord. And in turn for us, being the kind of in-laws Lord willing someday with our kids spouses is to just stay open-handed.

And yeah, with unbelieving parents and family, the aroma of living like a Christian is a stench to them.

So having, while keeping that in mind, that does take wisdom, that takes a different kind of wisdom, and yeah, continuing to love them, them, that also in loving them means not indulging, indulging in their simple habits or condoning them or even engaging in their fussiness and unthankfulness and in turn continuing to show them what Christian gratitude and fellowship looks like and interestingly enough the way that our kids interact with my parents tends to have tends to hit home for them in a different way and they they actually accept it love it from us but yeah all that to say again loving and honoring in-laws does take a different kind of wisdom that only the Lord can give and it has made it has made family times sweeter as the years have gone on but still taking that stand and still loving them in the process. Yeah one of the ways that I’ve always tried to cultivate the honor with especially with my parents is try to find ways to invite them in to my world where I like my dad or my mom would you know because there

times that I don’t really, you know, the way that they approach it is not helpful.

But like I’m trying to look past that and figure out, okay, like, is my parents, how can I invite them in so that way they can be a part of my world and feel like that I’m actually I love them and I am trying to honor them. I mean, I know after I left my parents business, I got pretty bitter, but at one point I really said no, actually I really want to like honor and respect my parents even in the midst of this. So I started calling my parents, you know, at least once a week to just talk to them. And so those little things that you can do, but you know, sometimes life gets busy, so trying to figure out how can you cultivate, you know, those touch points with your parents. Not because, and then, but also the other problem is that if they get fussy because, well, I told you what you should do, you didn’t do it. Like that’s another conversation, but at least, I I think taking the effort to find ways to invite them in so they can be a part of your world is one way to show them honor and respect.

One of the things to add to what Sean said is the reason, I think, Gail and I, to do this well is because of Morgan’s influence. And the lesson here is that generationally, I think our church, you know, For those of you that are just getting into this, realize your kids are watching you handle the awkward situation. Morgan was the one that taught me not to jump in. Because our first year, we had, you know, we bought that house to try to remodel it and everything. We were doing all these things and I was barking orders and she got me aside and said, look, this is Sean’s house, you’re going to live in it. But, you know, he’s the dude.

You’re, and that took me a while to understand that. And Sean was able to not make me feel underneath that, but I needed to realize, wait a minute, I gave her to him to run her life. Gail and I are coming in kind of after we’ve raised these kids and they’re in different places. And we’ve chosen to live with Morgan and LD stayed down in LA, but it’s interesting even to watch him learning through what we’ve done handle his in-laws and the way she handles us coming up with us. She’s so much more relaxed being around our craziness than she is even with her parents. So generationally all these things can have an effect on people.

And you can do things that really build up both parties in really bizarre ways. And I always like to remind people when they think it’s crazy how we live, most of America had farms or businesses where the generations came up in them. They did live close together. And certainly biblically, they’re all wandering around intense as families and tribes taking care of their sheep. And everybody knows everybody, so you don’t get out of it. But remember that we’re trying to change the way the church reacts generationally. The next church should be more open. You should be able to talk to the leaders. You shouldn’t fear all this stuff.

And we’re all growing together, like John said. our confession all together is not that I’m gonna go over and whisper every secret sin I have or whatever to everybody, but you realize, hey, we’re just working through it like you guys are too. So that part really is good. So generationally, we’re all growing and I’d love to see all the stair steps that are here.

I think Yale wants it. From the women’s point of view, Nancy Wilson has a great audio book Canon Plus and it’s called Grandma’s and Mother-in-laws and it’s on to the next step. So if it’s a really good resource of setting boundaries for yourself and expectations of building those new relationships because it is different being a grandmother than a mother. I think you know like co-living with the the Higgins’s of discipline would be one where we don’t get involved in that at all. We go rat on them and tell their parents. And I’m not very good at that. I’m still learning that, but just learning boundaries where I normally would have jumped in if it were my kids.

I don’t get to do that and I get in trouble with it when I do. So the resource I think is really good. another generally living family? Yeah, I mean I think that all these points are good. Expectations are something that needs to be put in check because if, Theresa just asked me, like her family, especially her mom, was like every birthday including the 45th one or the 42nd one or the 37th one, those all were super important and were having a big birthday party. Well, there’s a lot of people, so like are we driving two and a half hours for this birthday party? And are we driving again for this birthday party? So having expectations for like in our case, like we live in the same house, we share the house, and basically everything above our ceiling is Ian’s responsibility.

You know, like, and he takes that. But like, if I have expectations for them and I don’t say it, well, then that’s on me, right? So I think that we have to be careful with having expectations that, you know, even a bunch of us live really close. You know, so if Grant and Becca were thinking that every single, I’ll make this up and it’s not too far fetched, every single soccer practice and every single soccer game I’m going to be at, well that expectation isn’t really a good expectation, right? So I’m going to try to be there, but if that’s going to wreck their day, that’s going to make a mess pretty quickly. So I think that expectations are one thing, having the understanding that it’s Ian’s family.

So he is in charge, and they are in charge. I love how much farther up on our shoulders they’re standing. Just like Gail said, we don’t do any discipline. So that’s a bonus for us because we just get to love on them. I literally, I think the last picture in my phone is Teresa making pancakes with all five of the grandkids in our tiny little kitchen. Some of them sitting on the counters, like, okay, well, that’s super cool. And like, I’m not in charge of disciplining them at all. You know, so just living with them in, hey, you’re doing this, you’re going to do it better than we did it, and you’re going to have a bunch of learning to do, I think those are all really good things that we get to watch and experience and grind through all together.

Yeah, it’s good because even thinking about our in-laws coming over, Dilla and I would actually really lean on the parents. So we expected their parents to actually take care of their kids and we would go to them with the things. And sometimes we would actually try to figure out, like, okay, so what are you expecting with your kids in our house? How can we set up an environment of success so that way your kid has fun rather than and I are like all like just like like really like trying to figure out how to protect everything you know because at one point like I mean there was one of the kids that just like to eat food and but not eat it throw it away and everyone’s like man like I would have eaten that and so well then I say well hey if their parents love to meet whatever and they can throw it away then we just need to put plan and make whatever we can that would be worth throwing away