Or, Do's and Don'ts of Fellowship
Scripture: Ephesians 6:4
Date: February 12, 2012
Speaker: Sean Higgins
Ephesians 6:4 is a key verse for Christian parents. Addressed specifically to fathers, it certainly has application for mothers as well.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Two of the key ideas are discipline and instruction, and that’s what most of this message will cover: what is Christian discipline and instruction. But before we get to that, we really should make sure that we’re clear on what the goal is of each.
The goal is fellowship, the desire is being in fellowship with each other as a family? Why would I say this?
When God created Adam, he put him in a paradaisical garden and gave him a job to tend it. God interrupted the work and observed that something was not good: Adam was alone. So God made Eve, a helper fit for Adam. Why was Adam’s solitary condition not good? Because he was, and we are, made in the image of a relational God. The two of them were made for fellowship with each and with God.
Sin destroys fellowship. Sin disrupts our vertical and horizontal relationships. Disobedience causes separation. In Christ, when we confess, repent, and believe, we are reconciled to God. It isn’t merely a legal transaction, though our legal standing before God has been moved from guilty to righteous. The goal of the cross is eternal life; fellowship with God.
For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit (1 Peter 3:18)
Marriage and family are the first place where fellowship should be enjoyed. God made it that way. We enjoy the spill-over of His eternal fellowship. We relate to Him and with each other. The mandate to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth wasn’t about expediency, but a fruit of fellowship.
Sin absolutely messes that up today as much as in Eden Garden. We get out of sorts with each other and, even though we’re all under the same roof, we may not enjoy (or even value) fellowship with each other.
Dad’s, you are responsible for the fellowship in your home. That fellowship starts by you pursuing it, initiating and modeling. Most husbands and fathers, even the ones who are approachable, are quiet and often disengaged. They only get involved when something happens that mom can’t handle or once they are sufficiently irritated. So they jump in to settle the problem, but the first problem is that the household isn’t in fellowship.
As head of the home, the father’s priority and purpose should be to be in fellowship with God, then his wife, then with his kids, then the kids with the other kids. We’re modeling our God, we’re reflecting Trinitarian relationships and closeness. One of the most challenging realities is that we are always saying something about what God is like, whether we like it or not.
Important: the goal is not obedience, at least not obedience as the ultimate end. Obedience is a subordinate end toward the ultimate end of fellowship. Sin disrupts. Unrighteousness divides. So disobedience (in act or attitude) breaks fellowship and discipline is necessary. But we don’t discipline to prove the standard, to show off that we know what is righteous. We don’t spank to demonstrate our authority. We wield our authority to pursue and enable fellowship.
if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)
Too many dads think authority is about proving who is the boss, who makes the decisions, who knows what’s right. To an extent, that’s all true. But godly authority uses its power and decision making responsibility to serve and bring together.
The head abuses his authority:
The head uses his authority well:
God is the highest authority, and our example of authority. And God uses His authority to bring us closer to Him, not to push us away from Him.
Some dads are so eager in their love of righteousness that they forget to love their kids into righteousness. It isn’t either/or. We don’t give up on either. We don’t love righteousness as it’s own thing, but because that’s how we can enjoy being together.
As we move toward our discussion of discipline and instruction, do you seen how punishments that involve removing fellowship must be done very carefully? Also, when sin has been confessed and forgiveness sought, we cannot grant verbal forgiveness and continue to act disinterested in fellowship.
When a child doesn’t obey his father, a breakdown in the relational fellowship occurs. Just as a Christian’s fellowship with God is disrupted by sin (1 John 1:6), so sin creates separation in our horizontal relationships as well.
A father is responsible to discipline his son for the disobedience. The discipline trains the son to recognize appropriate behavior and how he missed the mark. But that is not all. The discipline instructs, yes, and it also aims to bring the son back into fellowship. The son learns the value of relationship not only the standard of right and wrong.
That’s why withholding relationship as discipline is usually counter-productive. Intentionally distancing oneself from the disobedient son in order to “teach him a lesson” does teach a lesson, of course. It teaches that the relationship is based on works, not love. Instead, love pursues the lesson that relationship is enjoyed with obedience, but it isn’t lost apart from it. Obedience deepens the joy, but obedience doesn’t create the relationship.
What does repentance enable? A restored relationship with God. All of His discipline is motivated by love so that we can share His holiness. But why is that holiness so important? Because when we are holy, we are sharing His nature. God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. When we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and His blood covers our sins (1 John 1:7).
Our kids are not our enemies. When they rebel against the rules, we must not take out the sword of the Word to lop their heads off. We should grieve the separation and seek to restore the relationship in Christ. This is the work of bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is the gospel. These are the do’s and don’ts of fellowship.
In Ephesians 6:5, Paul instructs parents to bring up, to raise, to nourish their children in the παιδείᾳ of God, the “discipline” (NAS and ESV). We usually think about discipline in negative terms as punishment, some sort of pain that makes a point. παιδείᾳ may include that, but it is so much more. One dictionary defines it as “the act of providing guidance for responsible living, including fatherly correction.” Hebrews 12 speaks of the discipline as painful for the moment but good for the long term sake of holiness.
God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:7–11)
That means discipline is not as much punishment as it is training (the NIV translation). It applies unpleasant consequences for the purpose of bringing them up.
The most common Christian parent discipline tool is the rod. The book of Proverbs refers to the love given through the rear of a young person. But that’s key: it should communicate love for the child, not the rules.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
(Proverbs 13:24)
I hate spanking. I don’t like the extra effort and the hurt and the tears and the wailing. I also don’t like it because it is so hard to do it right. Usually a child disobeys, throws a fit, crosses the line, and I get irritated that they’re making me do this extra work. Don’t they know how busy I am? Don’t they realize how simple my instructions were?
When I’m upset at them it’s often because I’m out of fellowship with that kid or with the family. So I’m not interested in bringing them up. I’m doing my own thing and I want them to pay for interrupting me.
It doesn’t matter how high the standards are at that point, because the standards are supposed to enable our relationship. Relationship, in particular love, motivates, discipline. The standards give us a safe place to develop and grow.
That’s why when you “spare the rod you spoil the child.” You can also spoil the child by spanking consistently and giving greater priority to the rules than to the relationship. Again, that doesn’t mean get rid of the rules.
Discipline your son, for there is hope;
do not set your heart on putting him to death.
(Proverbs 19:18, see also 23:14)
Good rules work toward and for relationship, not compete with it.
for the LORD reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.
(Proverbs 3:12)
Are we delighting in our child when we discipline him?
The second word in Ephesians 6:4 is νουθεσίᾳ, translated “instruction” (NAS and ESV). It is probably better translated as “warning” or “admonition” (KJV). Perhaps you’ve heard of nouthetic counseling. νουθεσίᾳ is regularly used in the New Testament as admonishment or warning. You see someone headed down the wrong path and you encourage them away from it.
When I was 14 years old, I was riding my bike on a county road that had recently been coated in a fresh layer of tar with a layer of loose gravel dumped on top. My foot slipped off one of the pedals and I crashed, hard. I had tar and stones in my chin, forehead, elbow, and hands. My mom thought I had split my head open and that the grey stones were parts of my brain. My dad, who worked at home, called me into his office after I got all bandaged. He put his arm around me and said, “Son, when I was 14, I don’t remember being a human scab. If you want to make it to 15, maybe you should slow down a bit.” That’s admonishment: a loving, caring warning to turn someone in the right direction.
What do parents warn and instruct their kids about? There are an endless number of things. Consider the verse: bring them up in the instruction of the Lord .
The first thing to instruct them is who they are before the Lord. If we’re desirous of bringing up Christians, we should always be telling them about Christ. We want to stimulate faith, not doubt. We want them to love what we love, right? We want to encourage their love for Christ, love for His church, love for His Word, love for fellowship.
As they believe, we want to tell them who they are in the Lord. “Son, Christians act like this. That’s not who you are. This is who you are.” Any situation where a Christian can be is a situation for this type of direction.
I’m not suggesting that we tell them that they are Christians if there is no confession whatsoever. But we also ought not give them the impression that they can never be sure. We are instructing them in the gospel, and the gospel is only good for people who aren’t perfect. Teach confession, repentance, restoration, and the gladness of the wise and righteous pathway.
Next, instruct them who they are as one of God’s creatures, made in God’s image. They are made to reflect Him in all they do, what they learn, and how they work.
This includes boys becoming men and girls becoming women. Boys and girls are different because God made man in His image: male and female He created them (Genesis 1:27). Again, we’re raising parents, we’re raising future husbands and fathers, future wives and mothers. You raise men differently than you raise women. This isn’t a “Girls shouldn’t go to college” speech, but it does say that Titus 2 makes it clear where a woman’s focus should be. Moms, teach your daughters to love family and work hard at home. Dads, love your daughters. Give your sons responsibility. That’s what he’s made for. Sometimes, they’re going to fail. That’s okay. That’s one of the ways they will learn.
Next, teach them who they are in your family, what it means to have your last name. “This is how Higgins’ act. Yes, I understand your friend is allowed to do such and such, that he has a later bedtime, is allowed to use certain words or wear certain clothes. You’re not in their family. You are a Higgins.”
This allows you to instruct and bring them up with convictions that may not necessarily have a verse stuck on each decision. If you don’t have biblical support, don’t act as if you do. Kids figure that out as they mature. That doesn’t mean that you have nothing to say or direction to give. If you are paying the bills and cooking the food, then you have the authority to set house rules for your family.
As I said at the beginning, the point of these decisions is to enable fellowship. The people with your last name should be happy in Jesus and happy with each other. The aroma of joy should be how your family is recognized.
The goal is to win our kids, not to defeat them (where “win” means gain the person, persuade their love and connection. So, “winsome,” attractive or appealing.)
Paul wrote to the Corinthians about his use of authority:
Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith. (2 Corinthians 1:24)
Parents ought to have the same mission as the apostle Paul: the joy of fellowship in faith and obedience.
This is what daddy dates, reading a book, playing catch, going to the zoo, going on a walk, having birthday and holiday celebrations do: they strengthen fellowship.