Scripture: Selected Scriptures
Date: April 3, 2011
Speaker: Jim Martin
We are Trinitarians. We believe in a triune God. This should not be a surprise if you have been paying attention for the past several months during our morning worship service.
Because God is triune we understand Him to be a relational God. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have been relating to one another in a perfect and diverse unity from eternity past. There was never a time that God was not a relational God.
The bible tells us that God is a god of love (Ephesians 2:4) and also a jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24). If He was not a relational God it would make no sense to describe Him with words like love and jealous. These attributes can only exist in the sphere of relationship.
Because man was created in the image of God we know that we are created as relational beings. If we try to live in isolation from others we are going against God’s design. It is unnatural to live aloof from others.
The scriptures reveal that man’s relationship vertically (with God) and horizontally (with Man) are of great importance.
In John 17:11 Jesus prayed that the Father would make us one even as He and the Father are one. That prayer alone is more than enough evidence that we are meant for relationship. You can’t be one with others and not have a relationship.
If Jesus asked the Father to make us one then it seems like we ought to do our part to work for and fight for that oneness.
It can’t be stressed enough how important it is that we strive for this relational oneness. As we achieve oneness the body of Christ is built up in love according to Ephesians 4:16. As our love for each other grows it increases our witness to the world around us. Jesus said the world will know that we are His disciples by the kind of love we show each other – John 13:35.
To say that we love one another and then live in virtual isolation from each other is to live a lie and it is a failure to live according to the image we were created after.
Consider Romans 12:9-18 where Paul describes what love looks like. Among other things he says we are to be devoted to one another in brotherly love, we are to contribute to the needs of the saints, we are to practice hospitality, we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, we are to be at peace with all men if possible.
Consider also all the so-called reciprocal commands. Commands like pray for one another (James 5:16), be devoted to one another and give preference to one another (Romans 12:10). There are at least 23 of these reciprocal commands in the Bible.
It seems like we are supposed to be relating to one another.
So then, since we are created by God for relationship with him and each other and since Jesus prayed for us to be one just like He and the Father are; it ought to be easy for us to live in relational bliss, right? Wrong!
Why? Sin has messed things up. Sin destroys relationships. It creates a barrier between us and God and us and each other. Sin crashes the party. Every time you see a relationship in disarray it is because of sin.
Have you ever noticed that fighting with one another is harder then getting along? Gail and I have often said to each other when we do marriage counseling, “If so and so would put just one tenth the energy into getting along that they put into arguing, they’d have a great marriage” If getting along is ultimately less stressful then not getting along then why do we fight with each other? Sin! Sin makes us stupid. It blinds us.
In the middle of a conflict we don’t stop and say to ourselves “sin has just blinded me and made me stupid and now I am about to say foolish and hurtful things that are going to make matters worse.”
Instead we cloak our sin with thoughts and words that make our fight seem noble. We think to ourselves, “I’m just being honest” or “I’m holding out for truth or justice or fairness.”
Are things like honesty, truthfulness, justice, or fairness bad? Obviously not but so often in conflict the battle quickly degenerates into two prideful people not wanting to concede anything to the other person. It becomes about defending ourselves rather than the truth or upholding righteousness.
Sin tears apart relationships and we find ourselves too often in breach of fellowship. Left un-dealt with these breaches can grow wider and wider resulting in relationships that are strained or broken for years and, in some cases, a lifetime.
The Puritan Richard Baxter said:
He that is not a son of Peace is not a son of God. All other sins destroy the Church consequentially; but Division and Separation demolish it directly.
Baxter is right. Allowing a conflict to fester without seeking reconciliation can quickly grow into a cancer that strangles the life out of relationships and dishonors the God in whose image we have been created.
Rather than accept this ungodly outcome, as so many do, when we find ourselves involved in a broken relationship we must do everything in our power to be reconciled. It is what God expects of His children.
Resolving conflict and restoring relationships requires what the bible calls reconciliation.
I’d like to discuss the doctrine of reconciliation and identify what it is, how it is accomplished, and what are some of the attitudes that either help bring it about or prevent it from occurring.
Reconciliation is a core element of the gospel. If it wasn’t for God sending Jesus to pay the penalty for our sins there would be no hope of reconciliation. In other words, without reconciliation there is no gospel.
Reconciliation at its root means ‘exchange’. In accounting terms we talk about reconciling our check book with the bank statement until the two are in agreement. We exchange debits and credits until the two documents are balanced with each other.
We use statements like “I’m trying to reconcile what I believe to be true with what I am hearing or seeing.”
In relationships, reconciliation refers to the exchange of hostility, anger, or war for love, friendship, or peace. Notice that reconciliation is not simply the cessation of hostility. Just because someone has stopped shooting at you does not mean they are reconciled with you.
Some have suggested that horizontal, or person to person, reconciliation is not always possible or even required by God. Is that really true?
One lexicon (Louw-Nida) defines reconciliation this way: the re-establishment of proper friendly interpersonal relations after these have been disrupted or broken (the componential features of this series of meanings involve (1) disruption of friendly relations because of (2) presumed or real provocation, (3) overt behavior designed to remove hostility, and (4) restoration of original friendly relations).
A summary of reconciliation, then, is that reconciliation occurs when there has been (1) a disrupted or broken relationship which is followed by (2) the assigning of responsibility and/or guilt for the breach leading to (3) overt actions taken to remove the sources of hostility resulting in (4) the complete restoration of original friendly relations. Any process that stops short of this is not true reconciliation.
Note that there really isn’t such a thing as partial reconciliation. That is, reconciliation does not bring about half restoration. It brings about complete restoration of a relationship to where it was before the offense occurred.
Note I am not saying that there might not be some lasting consequences resulting from an offense. For example: if a Christian employee and a Christian boss fellowship together at their church and one day the employee steals money from the employer; the long term consequence of such an offense may be loss of employment.
Relationally, however, the employee and employer can, and should, be fully reconciled once forgiveness and restitution have occurred. If the two remain relationally estranged after forgiveness has occurred then they are not biblically reconciled.
One of the powerful aspects of the gospel is that it can turn enemies into friends.
Consider Romans 5:8-11.
In this well know passage we see the results of true reconciliation. We see those who have been saved moving from enemies of God to those exulting in Him. God could have chosen to forgive us our sins and remain relationally aloof from us. He could have decided that all He wanted was our worship while revealing as little as possible about Himself. Instead, He forgave us our sins and invites us into relationship with Him. He takes us from enemy combatants to children who exult in Him.
God would have been completely righteous to destroy His enemies. Instead, he converted those enemies into friends by bestowing grace and mercy upon them.
Abraham Lincoln was once criticized for his kindly attitude toward his enemies. “Why do you try to make friends with them?” a colleague asked. “You should try to destroy them instead!” Lincoln responded gently with a question, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make them my friends?”
In conflict resolution Christians should not settle for a pseudo-peace that only calls for hostilities to cease but rather a real peace where friendly relations are restored. That is the Father’s expectation. We can’t always guarantee that outcome but it should be what we pray and strive for as much as possible.
We have already seen that reconciliation is a core element of the gospel. Without it you don’t have the gospel. Consider now that not only have we been the recipients of God’s reconciliation ministry through Christ we are now called to join this ministry of reconciliation.
Look at 2 Corinthians 5:17-20.
That is a pretty amazing few verses. How would this look on your resume – Heaven’s ambassador to the world?
We who once were the enemies of God have not just been made friends of God; we have been made His ambassadors to the world. That is real reconciliation.
If we are called then to join His ministry of reconciling men to God how important do you think it is that we practice reconciliation in our horizontal relationships?
Do you see how hypocritical it would be for us to run around calling enemies of God to be reconciled to Him and at the same time we are refusing to be reconciled with others? Where is the power in that message? Who would view our message as good news?
One of the most powerful ways we can lend credence to the gospel is for others to see how it has revolutionized our relationships with others. If it’s possible for man to be reconciled to God how much more so should it be possible for man to be reconciled to man?
The failure of Christians to be reconciled one to another makes all public proclamations of God’s love putrid, pathetic, and powerless to those whom we preach.
Love among the brethren, rooted in reconciliation, proves the veracity of our message to the world. Conversely, when we refuse to be reconciled it shows that we are deceived and the truth is not in us. Consider 1 John 2:9-11.
Now, some may argue that they don’t hate their brother they just don’t see a need or have a desire to be reconciled to a former state of friendliness. They don’t wish evil upon the other person they just don’t care to restore the relationship. Is it possible that this is just a nice christianese way of white-washing the real truth of the matter?
Do we somehow think that it doesn’t matter to God? Do we really think that it doesn’t bother God who sent His son to die so that we might be reconciled to Him if His children then choose to live in a state of un-reconciliation with each other?
What do we think is going to happen someday when we all get to heaven? Is God going to allow us to continue in an un-reconciled state in heaven? Is he going to wall off parts of His kingdom so we don’t have to bump into each other? Of course not! It seems like it would behoove us to make every effort to be reconciled here and now rather than wait until then. The gospel of reconciliation, of which we are called to be ministers, is tarnished by such foolishness.
A reconciliation that does not restore relationship is like a car that has both engine and transmission but no clutch. You can gun the engine and shift the gears but you aren’t going anywhere.
By now it should be evident that the gospel is intended to bring about reconciliation vertically with God and horizontally with man. The one exception in horizontal relationships is when it is the gospel itself that separates. Jesus told us that the gospel will at times separate intimate relationships: Luke 12:51-53.
Other than opposition to the gospel there should be nothing that prevents reconciliation from occurring.
When it comes to trying to resolve a conflict Ron Kraybill a conflict resolution expert suggests the following for How to Turn a Disagreement into a Feud:
Kraybill’s list would be humorous if it wasn’t so spot on with how conflict resolution meetings usually go. With this list in mind of how not to resolve conflict let’s consider now some biblical principles to keep in mind that will help us either not get into an un-reconciled state or will help us become reconciled if a breach has already occurred.
First and foremost in anything we do should be the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). If we make the conflict about us and our rights we are already off to a wrong start.
Typically an offense leaves us hurt or angry. We begin to replay the offense over and over in our mind and it keeps our emotions stirred up. Realize the real offense is the sin against God not us.
See the offender first and foremost as a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness and reconciliation. See yourself as the agent God is trying to use to demonstrate His love for the sinner. Remember, you are His ambassador and, as such, it is not your job to unload your wad on the offending party.
Before you respond to the offender spend time in prayer asking God for clear thinking and a calm heart. Approach the offender graciously and think the best. Perhaps they do not know they offended you. If they do respond poorly look to Christ as your example. Remember how when He was personally attacked he did not defend Himself. It was only when He was defending the Father’s glory that he became more aggressive.
If you are the one being confronted do not become defensive. Whether you intended to offend or not is not the issue. It’s possible that the offended party may even have unrealistic or unfair expectations that have led to them being offended.
Whatever the case, a gentle and kind response is always best. Do not minimize the fact that the other person is offended. Show concern for their offense and then take steps to either clear up any misunderstandings or seek forgiveness for a wrong committed.
Do not be hasty to excuse yourself. Carefully consider if you in fact have sinned in any way by an act of omission or commission. The flesh does not like being exposed and it is easy for us to initially deny or minimize our failures.
A huge point to keep in mind when we are responding to an offense is our own sin. If we see an offense as too great to get over then we don’t have a good understanding of our sin before a holy God.
According to John Piper - A profound understanding and fear of God’s wrath is exactly what many [people] need, because without it, the gospel is diluted down to mere human relations and loses its biblical glory. Without a biblical view of God’s wrath, you will be tempted to think that your wrath – your anger – against your [enemy] is simply too big to overcome, because you have never really tasted what it is like to see an infinitely greater wrath overcome by grace, namely, God’s wrath against you.
No matter how great an offense seems towards us it can never begin to compare to our offense before God. Holding on to the wrongs others have committed towards us shows wanton disregard for how much the Father has forgiven us.
To the offender, again I say, do not be too quick to slough off responsibility for your actions. If you honestly can’t see your sin in the situation thank the other person for bringing their concern to you and ask them for time to prayerfully consider what they have brought to you.
Once you have taken the time to prayerfully think through the issue follow-up with the other person to make sure the issue is resolved.
Sometimes we can avoid conflict in the first place by letting love cover a sin (1 Peter 4:8). Many quarrels among Christians would never even start if we would apply this verse a little more often. Cleary, there are times when something must be said when serious offenses have occurred. Nevertheless, sloshing a little grace on others when their clay pot bumps into ours will go a long way towards minimizing offenses.
When we must confront someone approach it as an act of love and not as an opportunity to vent your frustration with them. Remember, the goal is to bring them back to a point where their testimony glorifies God. Recall that God loved us while we were yet sinners. How much more should we love a brother or sister in Christ who has offended us.
If you are the offender do not react with hurt, anger, or annoyance when confronted. Love is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own. It is not provoked (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).
Remind yourself that no one is perfect. If you find yourself never agreeing that you have offended anyone then there is a good chance that you don’t have an accurate appraisal of yourself.
Sometimes we are offended because we expect to be treated better than we are. Our own self-importance can cause us to feel slighted or unappreciated by others and lead to feelings of resentment.
Again, consider Christ’s example. In order to reconcile us who were enemies of God He emptied Himself and became man and ultimately hung on a cross for our sins. In light of His example I think we can afford to not be too hung up on issues of fairness or being justified.
Jesus never made the issue about Him personally. The battle was always over issues of truth and righteousness and the glory of God.
There may be times when you are pursuing reconciliation that you might not get the other person to agree or come to terms with every aspect of their offense. I am not saying we should gloss over real issues but neither should we be nit-picking every little detail in order to show how justified we are to be offended. Allow room for God to work on the other person’s heart. We are not called to be the Holy Spirit in anyone’s life. It may take time for the offender to become convinced of their sin.
If you are the offender humility goes a long way to taking the heat and emotion out of a conflict. Seek to understand why what you did offended the other person. Invalidating their feelings or making excuses will only serve to provoke them more. In cases where you honestly believe you did nothing wrong simply acknowledge the other person’s issue and ask what you can do differently next time to not create an offense.
Consider Proverbs 15:1.
We must get control of our tongue and our emotions when working out conflict. Gentleness and self-control are two aspects of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). It is harder to argue if only one person is in the fight.
If a discussion starts to get heated there is nothing wrong with halting the discussion for a time for the purpose of prayer and calming down. Remember, you are not looking for a winner and a loser. You are looking for a God-honoring resolution to the conflict.
James 1:19-20 instructs us to be quick to hear and slow to speak. It also tells us that the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Take that as a warning. When anger enters the conversation hope of a righteous outcome goes out the window.
How wonderful it is to know that our sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west (Psalms 103:12). No one likes to have their nose rubbed in their sin.
Once an erring party has acknowledged their offense and asked forgiveness we must be quick to grant it. At all times we must have the willingness to forgive. Holding on to a grudge is sin on our part and reflects again our lack of understanding of God’s forgiveness towards us.
Part of forgiveness is forgetting. I do not mean the act of erasing one’s memory. We cannot do that. There will be a memory of the offense. Forgetting a past offense means to choose to not hold a memorial service of the offense in our minds or with our tongues.
Satan will want us to relive past offenses in order to prevent true reconciliation from occurring. We are responsible to actively bring such thoughts captive and to choose to not dwell on them. Remembering how much sin we have been forgiven is a good way of helping to make other’s sins towards us less grevious and less likely to keep coming to mind.
If we are the offender and are being confronted we need to humbly acknowledge that the other party has been offended. Whether we meant to offend is not the issue. An offense has occurred. Be sincere in your apology because, according to G.K. Chesterton “A stiff apology is a second insult.”
Often a minor offense becomes a major one simply because the offender makes light of the offense and is insincere in offering an apology.
As we wrap up our time together I’d like to read from Ephesians 2:14-22. This is one of the great passages in the bible that reminds us of the great work Christ did in tearing down the wall that kept man separated from God. It also reminds us now of the wonderful unity we have as members of God’s household.
Think about that for a moment: we are members of God’s household, and not just as hired hands, but children. That’s amazing.
I know this passage doesn’t directly talk about horizontal reconciliation but it does seem to lend more support for the truth that God wants us to be reconciled. Who wants a household full of angry, bickering, wounded, selfish, un-reconciled people around?
May we take our responsibility as God’s ambassadors seriously and embrace the ministry of reconciliation He has called us to; both reconciliation of man to God and man to man.