Is there a more necessary, tricky, difficult, and obvious system to check than the Communications System? Jonathan just ran us through what we could call the Eyes checklist, the Perspective System. And now we’re ready to look at the Mouth. Turns out, we can’t avoid the connection between the Heart (which I talked about in the first message) and the Tongue.

“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12:33–37 ESV)

We love to try the, “I didn’t mean it” defense, and it is possible that we were bad and putting our sentences together, or that we were responding to something other other person wasn’t talking about because we weren’t listening. But in the main, what we say and how it’s said is just fruit on the tree of our loves.

The Word on Our Words

God says a lot about our talking in Scripture. Not much of it is directly about husband-wife words, but there is plenty that applies, and maybe we should say that applies extra, since spouses are more likely to be (and need to be) talking. The capacity for language itself may not make us image-bearers, but it is a gift and it is necessary for both relationship and responsibility, male and female.

First, we are accountable for every word.

what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. (Matthew 15:18 ESV)

Even the idle ones are recorded (Matthew 12:36-37). Words reveal (Matthew 12:34), and so we can’t claim Tourette’s syndrome—involuntary offensiveness.

Second, we should build up with our words.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29 ESV)

Flattery is lies, and lies do not edify (hate is disguised by lips, Proverbs 26:24). But truth can be spoken not in love (Ephesians 4:15 shows how it should be), not for the good of the other. Truth can tear down (as Paul acknowledges in 2 Corinthians 13:10), and that’s not what even rebuke in love aims to do, let alone praise.

Third, we should give thanks in our words.

be filled with the Spirit…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:20–21 ESV)

Thankful people are a blessing, they are more fun to bless. And thankful people develop an eye for things to be thankful for; you’re not going to use up your bucket of thanks. Can you see what your spouse did/is doing for you? The household? Can you see how God has given him/her gifts and perspective and interests that complement you? Give thanks for them and to them. Use words.

Fourth, we should learn to persuade with our words.

This point has some more points.

In saying that persuasion is worth learning, I don’t mean:

• that the point is to “win” arguments.
• that there is no hierarchy. The husband is still the head of his wife in a way that requires her to submit, which often assumes disagreement.
• that there is a foolproof, silver-bullet delivery.
• that your marriage is an ongoing rhetoric tournament.

But that said, I do mean:

• that an intent to persuade is better than an intent to battle.
• that even the final word should be more reasonable than less, more inviting than distancing, less of a black box of arbitrary decision.
• that persuasiveness can actually and successfully persuade. Agreement is good.
• that persuasiveness can be learned, practiced, pursued, developed.

Consider these words of wisdom:

The wise of heart is called discerning,
and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
(Proverbs 16:21 ESV)

The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
(Proverbs 16:23–24 ESV)

With patience a ruler may be persuaded,
and a soft tongue will break a bone.
(Proverbs 25:15 ESV)

There is power in the right sort of sweet and soft and patient and wise. Wisdom has a backbone but isn’t a blockhead.

Power Plays

Question: Why don’t we seek to be more persuasive…with our spouse? And why are we so difficult to persuade? Because we want power. We feel that we are above the work, above the possibility of being wrong. We don’t want our work/wants examined. That’s insecurity, not love.

Such communication demonstrates that don’t want to be in fellowship. With the least amount of effort we want the other person to automatically do/agree with what we said. Like, get a robot, with high-prediction skills, right? Your spouse isn’t a tool, or a slave. Jesus did the opposite, calling those who obey Him His “friends,” and He tells them what He is doing.

You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15:14–15 ESV)

In learning to persuade, iterating on your persuasive abilities, listen. Attend to them. This isn’t unrelated to living in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7); patterns, personality, triggers. It’s not unrelated to the Bible’s euphemism for “knowing” someone. Do you know what turns them on? Off? Do you know how they process? How long it takes them to process? Do you know what times are better?

Talk not just to be right, but to be rightly related. Talk for fellowship. It’s not a motorcycle and sidecar, detached, but running parallel down the road for as long as possible until the lady veers into the ditch and the dude doesn’t know where she went.

Not Whether but Which

Complaining is effective communication (Proverbs 17:1; 21:9. 19). Anger is effective communication (Proverbs 30:33; James 1:19-20; here’s a sermon on being Slow to Anger). Quarreling will make more strife (Proverbs 26:21).

Alternatively, an idea from Fighting for Your Marriage:

You could agree to give one person “the floor” at a time. It could actually be a piece of carpet or hardwood or linoleum; the authors of Fighting for Your Marriage even reference a “floor” magnet kept on the kitchen fridge. The person who has the floor gets to speak, share his/her concerns or hurts, and the one without the floor can only speak to ask clarifying questions and/or repeat back what the other person said until they agree on what was said. Then the floor goes to the other person and the process is repeated. Maybe the first time you do it for 10 minutes total. Try it. Choose a topic that is on the surface but that is bugging you both. - “Sorting Out Your Mess” on resolving conflict

Conclusion

Lightening round:

• Men, you are probably not talking to your wife enough; don’t be detached. Women, you are probably not sowing your words strategically with your husband; don’t be difficult. And both, but especially women, you’re a gold ring in a pig’s snout if you don’t have discretion not to badmouth your spouse (Proverbs 11:22), in a group, in a text message, walking with a “friend.”

• Work toward shared categories. Worship helps, so does reading the same books. For example, it’s one of the reasons I encourage couples to listen to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University: not necessarily because I think they should never use a credit card, but so they can have some common vocabulary about money. Too many couples live in Babel, talking different languages.

• If you won’t do the work to tune-up your marriage, then your marriage will crash. As Friedman wrote in A Failure of Nerve, “organisms that are unable to self-regulate cannot learn from their experience, which is why the unmotivated are invulnerable to insight.” What you sow (with/without your words), you will reap.

From the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach is satisfied;
he is satisfied by the yield of his lips.
(Proverbs 18:20 ESV, see also 12:14)