Or, A Need to Disagree
Scripture: Proverbs 27:17Selected Scriptures
Date: March 17, 2013
Speaker: Sean Higgins
There is no audio available for this sermon.
When we dug up our old yard and prepared to put in a new one we rented a rototiller. I went up and down and back and forth over and over again. I wanted all the rocks brought to the surface and all the clumps of sod broken up. I wanted the soil to be smooth and ready to receive the seed. To go over the same ground repeatedly was work but it was not a burden. I was glad to do it for sake of a healthy lawn.
Tonight I’m going to go over some of the same ground covered a couple weeks ago when I visited Titus 2. The purpose then was to dig up some trouble spots, to turn over some hard soil. Hard soil doesn’t necessarily mean hard hearts, but I still wanted to address some hard ground that keeps seed from sinking into the soil so that fruit (green for St. Patty’s day?) could grow more healthily.
While some of these issues deal more directly with sins that ladies struggle with, there is application outside of Titus 2. Life to Life groups could benefit from it, husbands and wives could benefit from it, shepherds and sheep could benefit from it, the whole Christian community could benefit from it. Here we are to talk about how to get along when we don’t agree. I trust by the end that you’ll agree.
Let’s not forget what we’re doing here, the target we’re aiming at. We want to present every person complete in Christ (Colossians 1:28). I like to think of it as helping others to be independently dependent on Christ. It is not a sign of maturity to always need one’s hand held crossing the street. Grown ups are not known as those who need someone else to cut their meat for them. Those things are find for a time but they are not fine for all time.
Likewise, pastors and teachers play a vital role in training the saints to do theirs. Elders “equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood” (Ephesians 4:12-13). A good elder must be busy becoming unnecessary. They must work as if they won’t always be around. They won’t.
A constant threat against shepherds is their need to be followed. Rather than leading by example they lead by examination; constantly checking if the line is straight behind them. It is possible to starve the sheep if the shepherd is only worried about keeping the sheep in order. Closely related to that, since so much of the pastoral role involves teaching (so “pastors and teachers”), a constant threat against speakers is to always need listeners.
Can you see the difference between equipped saints and compliant listeners? Without discarding the fact that teaching equips, not all teaching equips the listener to need less teaching. Some teaching aims to increase the size of the class, not to train more teachers for sake of having more classes.
I make this distinction to highlight two tendencies among truth-teachers. First, teachers fear losing listeners so they feel that they cannot expose any personal weaknesses. Who wants to listen to someone who doesn’t have their stuff together? Second, teachers fear losing listeners so they feel that they cannot endure disagreement. Don’t disagreements lead to disunity? Won’t disunity result in division among the sheep?
It could. It has. But the histories of hurt feelings and broken fellowship has only increased the anxiousness in teachers to pursue consensus as quickly and as completely as possible. Pastor/teacher types have come to define godliness as a lack of inquisitiveness and a lack of disagreement. Don’t press in and don’t push back. Don’t ask questions and don’t argue. Good Christians submit, and submission can be seen by quiet agreement.
This sort of pastoring makes gospel parrots not gospel warriors. Parrots make a lot of noise but they don’t put up much of a fight. This sort of parenting grows kids who conform but not kids who care or who know why they think what they think.
This is backwards and upside down. It may also be lording it over God’s people. It may increase the number of sermon downloads but not the number of ready disciples. It has created a context of fear—don’t you dare be wrong, don’t you dare disagree, don’t you dare be open—since the truth police are ready to pounce. Ironically, pastors who fear being judged become judges. They quote Paul from Romans 15 about there being only one Judge, they just assume that they know what that Judge thinks. But that Judge said one person can esteem one day higher than another. He said some level of disagreement is okay. Pastors aren’t given a decoder ring to know what day Jesus really meant to prioritize.
This mentality has been planted so often, this fear based ministry modeled so often, that it has effectively shaped our L2L groups, our homes, and our attitude/interaction with other people (Christians and non-Christians) on the Internet. We assume the worst when others say something we think we wouldn’t. A five year old missed a cross reference about the Trinity—she must be an enemy of the faith. A 17 year old isn’t convinced about the value of singing hymns—he probably will be burning incense to Budah next week.
Much of the context discussed above—especially pastors who fear exposure and disagreement—has led Christians to prefer the safety of fill in the blank Bible studies. “If I get #4 wrong, at least they won’t seen how wrong my heart is.” When we go to a L2L meeting where someone says, “How is your soul?” or “How are you applying the message?” panic sets in that keeps us from participating. We, like the examples before us, are:
We don’t want to be judged for being ignorant or being immature or unprepared or wrong. Of course, usually we’re more concerned about appearing foolish than concerned about actually being foolish.
It is true that babbling fools come to ruin.
The wise of heart will receive commandments,
but a babbling fool will come to ruin.
(Proverbs 10:8, ESV)
It is also true that wise men restrain their lips.
When words are many, transgression is not lacking,
but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. (Proverbs 10:19, ESV)
But talking foolishly about oneself is different than talking about oneself as having done foolish things. It isn’t wise to need an answer but refuse to ask because you don’t want someone else to know that you needed an answer. We’ve got to come to realize that it’s okay to look foolish when we’re working our way to wisdom. It happens to all of us who aren’t perfect yet.
If we’re not yet complete in Christ, we probably have sin that needs to be put to death and put off (Colossians 3:5-8). If we say that we don’t have sin we make God a liar, which also needs to be confessed (1 John 1:8-10). If you don’t need to repent, you do now, because we all do. If you don’t want to repent, how will you grow? If you’re unwilling to repent in front of others, what do you do with passages such as Proverbs 28:18 and James 5:16?
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
(Proverbs 28:13, ESV)
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16a, ESV)
A man who fears losing his platform because he needs to repent is already busy ruining his platform. He also does not understand the gospel for himself nor does he realize how others are sanctified. Sheep aren’t sanctified because the shepherd has no chinks in his armor.
Too many believers don’t want to deal with wrong desires or inappropriate priorities, certainly not so that others would know about it. We want to look humble, We don’t necessarily want to be humble. The more I understand the need for and the benefits of repentance, in some ways, the more I fear it. The fear of needing to change, the fear of others knowing that we needed to change, keeps many from changing in ways they should.
Some people don’t want to participate because they don’t want to be proven wrong. They don’t want to know that their argument doesn’t float. They don’t want to be corrected and if no one else knows what things they’re thinking, no one will challenge them. Remember, however, that hating reproof is stupid.
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates reproof is stupid.
(Proverbs 12:1, ESV)
On the positive side, the one who heeds reproof will be honored.
Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction,
but whoever heeds reproof is honored.
(Proverbs 13:18, ESV)
It is part of the process to be sharpened.
Others don’t want to disagree because they’ve been told that to disagree is to be unsubmissive and difficult. They want to be godly, or at least they don’t want to be punished by the powers that be (judged and treated coldly).
Or, when we agree to disagree.
We do no one any discipleship favors by acting pious and expecting parrots. When we get together to talk about our pursuit of Christlikeness or how to behave like Christ in a particular situation, we’re coming together to “talk shop.” We’re not finished products. We don’t come complete, we come to work toward completeness.
As we work toward maturity in Christ, we can and will have lawful disagreement about days, food, alcohol, schools, spankers, dish soap, and more. We may even have disagreements about the words we should us in the process, words such as “transparency.”
We should consider that disagreement does not necessarily mean quarreling. We are warned repeatedly about the foolishness of quarreling.
It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife,
but every fool will be quarreling.
(Proverbs 20:3, ESV)
A fool vents his own opinions.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit,
but a wise man quietly holds it back.
(Proverbs 29:11, ESV)
But making an argument does not mean you are being argumentative.
If you can’t disagree, you will buy every product you ever see a commercial for. If you can’t disagree, you will believe every lie that you are ever told and you will fall to every temptation you ever face. Disagreement with error, with unrighteousness, with the devil is crucial to the Christian walk.
It is also crucial in development of wisdom.
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.
(Proverbs 27:17, ESV)
The wise assumption is that we are not always sharp and that being sharpened is good. Solomon says that we are not only sharpened in our closets with our Bibles but also by interacting with others. And when iron sharpens iron there is a grind. There may even be sparks. Sparks are a sign of sharpening.
Following the same idea but describing the goal of being smooth:
[L]iving in believing community is one of the central instruments that a loving God has given to us to prepare us for that great day. Living among fellow sinners, learning how to deal with it properly, is the principal form of industrial grade sandpaper that the Holy Spirit uses on us. But many pietists, including many educational perfectionists, withdraw from that treatment, shrinking from it, and all in the name of maintaining their smooth surfaces. But hiding the rough cut lumber in an unlit shed is not the same thing as sanding. (Doug Wilson, Holy Ghost Industrial Grade Sandpaper)
We also know that there is a safety in a multitude of counselors.
Where there is no guidance, a people falls,
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14, ESV)
Why is this safe? Because we find a simple majority? Or because different persons will have different perspectives that help us to see things from angles we hadn’t considered? We’re smoothed by some 30 grit sandpaper perspectives, some 80 grit, and some 180 grit. Someone may disagree with you because they love you, not because they love being a jerk to you.
We are all in a process of refinement (Colossians 1:28; Ephesians 4:13, 15-16). That process takes patience. The process often includes failing—trial and error and retrial. And the process requires disagreements.
For that matter, we cannot submit without disagreement. If you agree, you aren’t submitting, you are simply partnering.
Ladies, from the perspective of a husband, your husband needs you to disagree. He needs you to disagree kindly and thoughtfully, not with an attitude of know-it-all-ism. He cannot know everything, see every angle. He needs you to help him without being quarrelsome. God nowhere requires a wife to agree with her husband. You will have opportunity to submit if he decides differently at the end.
My husbanding and my shepherding were marked by a foolish definition of submission as agreement for too long. I did long term, though not irreparable, damage by expecting total agreement at the end of every discussion. I cut off the relationship and cut off a much needed source of help. I was unkind and impatient because I thought she wasn’t submitting.
Outside of the marriage context, too many Christians say things such as: “We can’t be friends if we don’t agree. I can’t love you if you don’t agree. You will judge me if we don’t agree.”
One of the strengths at TEC is a plurality and diversity among the elders. We are not the same. While there are some subjects we work though among ourselves first, others we happily disagree about in front of others. The key is: happily. We, by God’s grace, do not feel threatened by it, we embrace it. It’s part of why we’re able to get excited about supporting other churches and ministries that do not think the same way we do, because they don’t have to.
Every human being is a disagreement machine. We need to know how to disagree, not try to stop disagreeing (though again, we ought not to be quarreling). Let me suggest four types of persons who disagree: three to beware and one to become.
If God wanted there to be no disagreements then He would have made us know-it-alls or don’t-care-at-alls. He also would have prohibited rather than encouraged disagreement (see again the application in Romans 14:1-15:7) since we only have one Judge. We are in the growing process together. There’s no use freaking out that we haven’t all arrived yet. This is where God wants us to be, growing with one another into greater Christlikeness.